Go and tell him
Loving confrontation
Jesus gives instruction for one of the hardest acts of community love: if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. When someone wrongs us, Jesus does not say to ignore it, nor to broadcast it to others, nor to nurse the grievance in silence. He says to go directly to the person, privately, and address it honestly.
Notice how this cuts against both our common evasions. We are tempted either to avoid the conflict entirely, swallowing the offense while resentment festers, or to talk about the person to everyone except the person — gossip dressed up as concern. Jesus forbids both. The loving path is the hard, direct one: go to them, privately, and speak the truth, for the goal is not to win an argument or vent a grievance, but to gain your brother.
This is loving confrontation, and it is an act of love precisely because it seeks restoration. Proverbs says open rebuke is better than hidden love — the love that stays hidden, never risking the hard conversation, is less loving than the rebuke that cares enough to address the wrong. Avoiding necessary confrontation is not kindness; it is often cowardice or self-protection masquerading as peace. Is there a hard conversation love is asking you to have — directly, privately, and for the sake of gaining your brother?
“If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother.”
— Jesus, to his disciples — Matthew 18:15 (WEB)
Take the hard, direct path of loving confrontation — going privately to the one who wronged you to gain your brother — rather than avoiding it or gossiping.
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love.”
When wronged, we evade through avoidance, swallowing the offense while resentment festers, or through gossip, talking about the person to everyone but them. The interior work is to take Jesus' hard, direct path — going privately and honestly to gain the brother — recognizing that avoiding necessary confrontation is often cowardice masquerading as peace, and that open rebuke is more loving than a love that stays hidden.
This week, where someone has wronged you and you have been avoiding it or talking about them to others, go directly and privately instead: have the honest, loving conversation, aiming to restore the relationship and gain your brother, not to win.
Self-protection dresses up as kindness, telling you the unspoken word is mercy when it is really fear of the hard conversation, so resentment festers in silence or leaks out sideways as gossip. But open rebuke is better than hidden love, and the soul brave enough to go privately and speak the honest, restoring word recovers the very brother that avoidance and whispering would have lost.
When someone wrongs us, we are tempted toward one of two evasions: avoiding the conflict entirely, swallowing the offense while resentment quietly festers, or talking about the person to everyone except the person, which is gossip dressed up as concern. Jesus forbids both and prescribes the hard, direct path: go to them, privately, and address it honestly, for the goal is to gain your brother.
This is loving confrontation, and it is genuinely an act of love because it seeks restoration rather than victory or revenge. We tell ourselves that avoiding the hard conversation is kindness, but Proverbs says open rebuke is better than hidden love — a love that never risks the honest word, however peaceful it looks, is often cowardice or self-protection in disguise. Real love sometimes cares enough to have the difficult, direct conversation. Is there a hard conversation love is asking you to have — privately, honestly, and for the sake of gaining your brother rather than defeating him?
- When wronged, do I avoid the conflict or talk about the person to others?
- Have I mistaken avoiding confrontation for kindness?
- Is there a hard conversation love is asking me to have, directly and privately?
Lord, when I am wronged I either swallow it in silence or talk about the person to others. Give me courage for loving confrontation: to go directly and privately, speaking the truth in love, seeking to gain my brother rather than to win or to avoid. Amen.