The door inward
The door inward
If the soul is a castle, how do you get in? Teresa's answer was simple and twofold: the door into the castle is prayer and self-knowledge. There is no entering the interior life without honest conversation with God, and no entering it without honest looking at oneself. The two turn together like a key in a lock.
The self-knowledge half is the one we tend to skip. We are willing enough to pray, in a fashion, but the searching look inward — at our real motives, our hidden sins, our self-deceptions — is uncomfortable, and we avoid it. Yet without it, prayer stays shallow and the door stays shut. Let us search and try our ways, says the prophet, and turn again to the Lord. The turning to God and the searching of ourselves belong together.
This is why Teresa insisted that self-knowledge is the room we never outgrow, no matter how far in we travel. The deeper you go into God, the more honestly you see yourself — and the more honestly you see yourself, the deeper into God you are driven. Prayer and self-knowledge are not the porch you pass through once; they are the door you keep opening, all the way in.
“Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the LORD.”
— The prophet Jeremiah — Lamentations 3:40 (WEB)
Enter the interior life through its true door — prayer and honest self-knowledge turning together — and keep opening it all the way in.
“Search me, God, and know my heart. Try me, and know my thoughts.”
We want the depths of God without the discomfort of self-examination, willing to pray but avoiding the searching look at our real motives and hidden sins, so the door stays shut and prayer stays shallow. The interior work is to let prayer and self-knowledge turn together like a key — turning to God and searching ourselves at once — and to treat self-knowledge not as a porch passed once but as the door we keep opening, the deeper we go.
This week, pair every honest prayer with honest looking: as you come to God, ask him to search you, and sit with what he surfaces about your motives and ways — neither flinching from it nor wallowing in it, but turning it back to him.
The flesh would happily settle for prayer that never turns the lamp on its own corners — all reaching toward God, no honest look within — so the door swings on one hinge and stalls in the shallows. But a soul willing to be searched and to turn again to the LORD opens the door all the way, and there is nothing left to hide from the God who is already inside.
We want the depths of God without the discomfort of self-examination — the prayer without the searching look inward. But Teresa was right that the door swings on both hinges. Prayer that never turns honest about the self stays in the shallows, and a self-knowledge that never turns to God curdles into despair or mere introspection. The two must turn together.
The half we avoid is the searching of our own ways — the willingness to let God show us what is actually there, the motives and patterns we would rather not see. It is uncomfortable, which is exactly why so few go far inward. But there is no entering the castle without it. Are you willing to open the door that requires both honest prayer and honest self-knowledge — or do you keep knocking while refusing to look inside?
- Do I want God's depths without the discomfort of self-examination?
- Which hinge do I neglect — honest prayer, or honest self-knowledge?
- Am I willing to let God show me what is actually inside me?
Lord, I want your depths but avoid the searching look at myself, and so the door stays shut. Let me search and try my ways and turn to you. Search me, know my heart, and let prayer and self-knowledge open the way all the way in. Amen.